After the Covid-19 Pandemic, I found myself at a crossroads – continue being the basement troll I had become during those two years, or open the doors and go out into the community.
I went out into what I considered my community by trying to return to standup comedy.
I had the worst bomb of my short little standup career that evening in October ‘22, and realized I needed to do something different to curtail the stage fright and absolutely unnecessarily and horribly blue content I was working with/on.
So in November of ‘22, I wrote a quick email to a woman who would change my life by showing me the power of Improv, and its many applocations across all of a person’s life; not just the stage.
November 17th, 2022
Hi, Greg …
Let’s talk by phone. We can work on stage fright and presentation skills with improv or private coaching. But let’s talk first. I’m free today at <her phone number, which I won’t arbitrarily share out here.>
Message I’m trying to get over stage fright when doing standup. I don’t have much of a stage presence, but I feel like the jokes are solid. I’m trying to find some way to address that.
Am I reaching out to the right person?
My first correspondence with her, setting the tone:
I started going to the Saturday classes the next weekend.
My memories of that first class are that of Holly, a members of the Wichita Symphony Orchestra who was in-town and there to ‘relax and play.’ I didn’t understand how she could associate the idea of ‘relaxing’ and ‘playing’ with Inprov, and said as much. Then Jessie, in her eternal wit and wisdom, puts us through something excruciating.
First thing she did was make an insecure man like myself stare deep into the eyes of the most gorgeous redhead I’d ever seen and wonder about her life, what she did in her free time, and on and on.
It was so incredibly uncomfortable, I wasn’t sure I was going to survive those piercing green eyes of Holly’s.
I still remember asking her about one of the questions, and finding out she traveled often for her music, and probably had spoiled fruit on her counter.
The odd things we remember…
Though, to be fair, I was in hypervigilant fight-or-flight because of the affair, so the experience was indelibly burned into my memory.
Then, just when I thought we were done, she had me turn, and I found myself doing the exact same thing with a woman who’s name I would later know to be Angela Lee, one of the members of the troupe, attractive, quirky, and immensely talented, which made her also immensely intimidating at that moment.
The outfit she wore was straight out of the 1950’s, her look almost cosplaying Donna Reed or some other homemaker from a foregone era. It was anachronistic and adorable, and her confidence in pulling it off only led to more insecurity on my part.
Again – indelibly burned into my memory.
Lastly, and importantly, it was the first time I would successfully meditate, a ritual Jessie uses to get everyone into the space.
As I attended her Pink and Green paid classes that happened on Sunday evenings, I learned about the craft. In learning about the craft, I was forced to call upon experiences in my life to inform my characters.
I would attend the Long Form classes, which most times solely consisted of Kim and I. I credit Kim with giving me the grace of failure and exploration while I found my voice on those long Thursday nights together.
In doing so, I was able to use the stage as a place to examine those events in new ways, reconnecting me to my humanity and sense of social cohesion beyond pretty words and lilting exposition.
Our class had a graduation and student showcase in March of ‘23:
Many of you will be involved in the first-ever Student Showcase on Thursday, March 2 at 7 p.m. at Flying Pig Improv! If you don’t see your name below, it’s probably because you’ve enrolled very recently or you’ve missed some classes; there will be more showcases in the future – soon and often.
Hello, Brilliant Players …
This email will give you information for performers. I will send another email shortly that you can forward to your friends and family to invite them to attend.
The Showcase starts at 7 p.m.
Players Call is at 6 p.m. (do not be late)
At 6:00, start stretching; I will lead you in improv warm ups shortly after
Doors open at 6:30. We will stay in the Green Room and in the back hall while the audience takes their seats
Please wear bright colored tops – no writing or bold graphics
Please wear comfortable clothing that keeps your butts, bellies, and boobs covered at all times
Think of it as dressing for a casual first date
The evening will consist of a Short Form set (approx 30 mins), a Montage (20 mins), and a LeRonde that will be side-coached by me (15 mins)
See the cast list below. If you have serious reservations about where you’ve been cast, please contact me. Otherwise, please trust me; I’ve got your back.
Jack / Adaira / Ryan / Isabella / Kelly / Jen / Greg
+++++
LE RONDE – (with side coaching) – Jessie will introduce
Darin / Paul / Pansorn / Chad / Jason/ Chuck
This cast is not set in stone so do not start planning or plotting. heh. I reserve the right to change it as needed.
Please stand by for an email you can forward to your audience.
I’m so dang proud of each of you!!
Jessie
I had just been laid off from the life-changing career I had been at for three years, and my stepmother had just gone into the hospital for what would be the last time. I tried to keep up spirits, but just the week before, I had had the most embarrassing of car “wrecks,” my front left wheel falling off of my vehicle after a rampage of work I did on my car for almost 24 hours straight after the one-two punch of being let go and then hearing about my ailing step-matriarch.
I was trying, though, to maintain my spirit of enthusiasm, and that evening ended up being something magical, securely affirming my love of the craft, and setting myself on a path to join the house troupe.
We were then asked to come attend a promo spot The Flying Pig at 7:45AM in the morning.
I was laid off, so why the Hell not?
March 3rd, 2023:
Oh, Players …
What fun we had tonight! I’m very proud for you and I hope this amplifies your improv-geek tendencies. The audience was enthusiastic during and after the show and many had many words of praise about you. I just couldn’t be happier. Let’s continue, shall we?
Beginning GREEN class starts this Sunday at 5-7:30pm and goes all month. If you haven’t taken it already, the cost is $75; if you have taken it before, then the cost is $40. And Long Form Drop-in continues on Thursdays at 7pm for $20 per class. Details at https://flyingpigimprov.com/classes/
Thank you so much for all the time and effort you’ve invested in improv so far. I hope this long and wonderful journey continues for a long time.
Jessie
Also, I just received confirmation that Shane Konicki of KWCH News would like to shoot “Where’s Shane?” on Monday morning at 7:45-10:00am. Yup, that’s AM! Would any of you like to help me out by coming to the studio and doing some simple exercises for 4 segments? You’ll be on live television. It’s really quite fun! I’ll supply coffee! Please let me know if you can.
I, of course, had demands:
I’m gonna need to get a contract to my agent that says they’ll only shoot my left side, Red M&Ms only in the Green Room, Perrier in the fridge, and fuzzy foot booties.
Make that happen, I’m there.
(I gotta square it away with the wife, but I can be there. What’s the address and when do we need to be there?)
Jessie rolls with it:
At FPI. They shoot onsite. And I will find a couple of live rabbits to stick on your feet.
Thanks!!
At some point in the coming month, auditions for the troupe happen.
I’m terrified, but I’ve put in the hours of work, regularly attending and failing and trying again and failing and flailing, but find my voice, which I use on the audition stage.
My strongest memory of that experience was three-fold:
There was a moment where you had to come up with ten different characters in sixty seconds. The pressure of that felt enormous at the time, though now seasoned, it would be nothing to do.
I felt pretentious in some of the characters, even striking a Jesus pose and demanding adulation. It was false bravado that I’m sure only I think about.
Carson had the single best moment in the whole of it all, dropping to the floor as though handcuffed, and looking at the crowd slyly, stating “I bet you’re wondering how I found myself here?” It was amazing, and a preview of the talent to come.
Side quest: “Onomatopoeia!” for anyone who remembers that magical evening of motor cycles passing.
Last item I remember: Cassie.
Because of course I did.
That’s a story for another time.
Regardless, about a week later:
May 10th, 2023
Greg …
The pig and I are extending an invitation to you to join the performance troupe – Speak Easy – here at Flying Pig Improv.
Please fully consider this commitment before answering. It includes:
regular attendance at Tuesday troupe practices, 7-9:30 p.m. (We may add another troupe practice night in the near future. We’ll make sure it works with your schedule before doing so.)
willingness to be Player-in-Charge and tech support in rotation
monthly dues of $40 per month paid by the first practice each month
willingness to strengthen skills
supporting other troupesters
Attached is a set of House Rules with more details.
If you accept this invitation, you may start coming to practice on Tue, May 16. We’ll give each other 6-8 weeks to make sure this is a good fit before you’ll be invited to perform. You are welcome to call with any questions.
Please call, text or reply to this email to accept this invitation by Mon, May 15.
316.833.1889
I very much enjoyed your audition. I’m looking forward to playing with you for years to come!
Of course I did:
Dear Ms. Gray,
Yes, 100 times, yes.
And thank you; it’s an honor and a privilege to get selected. Been fretting about this for almost literally a month of Sundays.
And yes; I’d totally be interested in teaching/expanding my knowledge beyond just performing. You mentioned that last night, and as I evangelize more and more about Improv, I’d love to be able to share with some authority and grace as much as tell.
I’ll bring $40 and a good attitude next Tuesday. Should be there Saturday as well, assuming life goes to plan.
…and that’s the last time I’ll ever call you ‘Ms. Gray.’
Without wax,
Greg
And she sweetened it, though completely misunderstanding my ‘without wax’ signature I’ve used for all these years:
I’m very proud for you. You’ve worked hard. I’ll let you know when teaching opps arise.
With wax!
And so began my professional Improv career.
I loved it.
I still have all the money I made as a professional Inprov player tucked away as a keepsake.
I worked at it. I wanted to be the best.
One evening she sat us all down to discuss some of the interpersonal issues happening in the group, and how judgement had been souring the barrel.
It resonated with me, as I had heard negative sstatements from the old guard in the troupe about the incoming batch, and figured if they could say that amongst themselves about the clear failures and some of the absolute cringe we were seeing on-stage as others were trying to find their voices, what might be being said about me?
It was the first time the safety of the place came into question for me, and it threatened my peace. The place had become my sanctuary – a place to let go, let the mask down, and be myself, warts and all.
Her talk resonated with me, so upon arriving home that night, I had to put my thoughts down in correspondence:
June 13th, 2023
Hey,
Couldn’t help but think I’ve used some of that language, all in an attempt to be supportive of my fellow players.
If there’s a better way to do it, I’ll do it. I know my instinct is to high-five folks and say ‘that was great/good/whatever,’ and it’s completely meant as support and encouragement. I hope it’s never been taken any other way.
I think I’m clearly the biggest judge of myself and wanting to make sure I bring something of value to the group and earn my place amongst the troupe. I know I’ve vocalized that, and that’s just me making sure I’m bringing my best, studying the craft, and making sure I’m doing all I can to be the best I can out of respect for the folks who have come before. Guilty as charges regarding the self-judgment, but that’s just me making sure I’m staying hungry and earnest.
If that ever comes out in any way that puts anyone in any feeling other than me doing everything I can to support, I’d 100% want to know.
Or, maybe not me at all and overthinking? I’ve heard comments under breaths that disappointed me, but I’ve let them slide and just tried to be supportive of everyone in lieu of them.
My goal is to be the best I can at this, and to me that means showing up prepared, getting in the right mental space, staying open and ready to try something new, and doing everything I can to uplift my fellow players to feel the same. I don’t crave the spotlight, but I enjoy it. I never want to grandstand or believe I’m better than anyone else, because I can always improve. I’m coming to the understanding that confidence and humility can exist at the same time.
If you ever see me falling short of any that, well, I imagine you’d straight up tell me, but I want to be transparent in my aspirations.
So if there’s anything specifically I can do in the short and long-term to change my behavior, I’m staying open to that correction.
And her reply, that same evening, providing the affirmation to my insecurities that I needed:
You are doing all the good things and I couldn’t be happier with your dedication and progress. Do you realize your growth?
And YES to confidence and humility.
I only said what I said tonight to level set and remind everyone that there is a culture being built here. I try to lead by example but sometimes it’s too subtle for some. So I speak the words so there’s no confusion. (“Teach the gospel everyday. Use words when necessary.”)
Keep doing what you’re doing. You deserve your spot in the troupe and I hope you’ll be around for a looong time.
Shortly thereafter, there was an exodus of talent from the troupe; talent I so dearly had grown to respect and wanted to learn from.
I felt a weight of responsibility to improve, and the people I had intended to learn from had now left. I was confused and lost as to how to best proceed, but just committed to the art.
Jessie had made me give a damn about people again after the sheer jadedness I felt about Americans and their behaviors through the biggest crisis of our lifetime.
She pulled me out of my mask and gave me a place I could be myself without judgement. My loyalty would never be in question; so long as I was welcome, I was first a Speak Easy member before any other creative endeavor.
I would jokingly tell everyone ‘She’s teaching me how to ‘human,’’ not even saying ‘again,’ as this was connecting me to my fellow man in ways I never had before.
After one particularly insightful evening of practice, I felt compelled to make some observations:
June 21st, 2023:
Weird…
Something just clicked; something percolating on the back burner for a while.
Always been a science fiction fan, first because of the literal science fiction like spaceships and transporters and travels to new and distant worlds.
But then one day it was just eye-candy to the universal themes around explaining the human experience through the lens of sci-fi: mutants are minorities, ‘Star Trek’ is utopian post-scarcity humanity exploring what we could aspire to be, etc. Writ-large concepts shown through a medium of relatability.
You’ve been driving home the point that the ‘thing’ doesn’t matter. It’s the relationship. The ‘get’ doesn’t matter; it’s the relationship. It’s not about the transaction; it’s about the relationship with the person on the other end of that transaction.
And now, I’m watching ‘Black Mirror.’ It’s not about whatever the plot device of the episode is; it’s how it’s used to explain the (some times horrific/disturbing) relationships of the people in the story, and how their arcs in character change around the space ship, a VR headset, etc, etc.
I used to watch/read science fiction for the special effects and never understood why people would call something ‘vapid eye-candy,’ and now I feel like I need to re-examine all my favorites through the new lens of giving a shit about the human relationships.
You might just teach me to ‘human’ yet. =)
Her reply:
First, consider writing this for a larger audience. I enjoy your writing.
Second, it’s why I can’t watch “modern” movies with chases and guns. And because I couldn’t tell when it would be about chases and guns, I stopped watching all movies.
Third, and this has nothing to do with anything, I had a pretty long relationship with Max Grodenchik who played Rom on Deep Space Nine. That, however, does not make me an authority on sci-fi anything.
I’m happy you’re noticing things. It’s cool.
And mine:
Oh my God.
Rom is my low-key favorite character on ‘DS9!’ The episode where they go back in time and you realize the aliens from Roswell were actually Quark, Rom, and Nog is one of the best in Star Trek.
“…they irradiated their *own* planet?”
Rom’s character arc from bumbling fool to Grand Nagus was an inspiration to an awkward kid with a knack for tinkering that bigger things were possible.
Fun fact: My drama teacher in Middle School, Mrs. Pujols, was Harrison Ford’s girlfriend all through High School.
What a small, strange world we live in. Long-winded editorial ensues:
I’d postulate the ‘chases and guns’ inform a character; they run towards the fight versus dithering in the moment. Something like the first ‘Captain America’ movie show the arc of a genetically-disadvantaged kid who has the heart of a hero in him, and scenes with chases and guns are more about him demonstrating that bravery in the face of his fears.
But, that’s just it: the Russo Brothers (the writer/director team) are great about having action for a reason. It’s justified, and not simply gratuitous. I admittedly have a soft spot for seeing all the comic book characters of my childhood on the silver screen, characters I never expected others to ever see or understand, suddenly accessible to such a larger audience.
I was called a ‘man-child,’ and ‘immature,’ for my love of my comic books, and while those slurs may be accurate for a whole host of other reasons, I privately delight in the Marvel obsession I had ‘before it was cool.’ Only thing I and my pimple-faced peers have ever been ahead of the curve on.
The Wachowskis (‘The Matrix’ films) however… complete guilty pleasure with their gun and chase work. That, however, is the point, building magnificent choreographed dances at massive scale with unmatched artistry as a reverent ode to the great Asian cinematic masters who came before.
You might really enjoy ‘Sense 8.’ I know I’m going to go back and watch it now with new eyes.
I used to write a media review blog once upon a time, and I stopped because I questioned what I was trying to achieve. I’ve been told I write at a level where it can come off as pretentious, complicated expository for its own sake, unnecessarily performative, sophomoric, and sound like a bit of a ‘know-it-all.’
I just wanted to be Roger Ebert, but apparently Roger rubbed some people the wrong way with his prose, too, so… Mission Accomplished(TM)?
I also had to reconsider my opinion around being critical of other people’s art. On one side, who am I to say something was ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ when I have no experience in making the sausage, I’m not an artist in the field, and on and on ad nauseam.
On the other side, any media being consumed is a product, and a product review is more than reasonable as a method to inform others whether they should spend their time or money on the product being sold. They made a piece of art to be consumed and considered, so where am I wrong to describe the sensation of doing so?
I just… I don’t know. So I saved it all, then took it down.
I’m rambling. Thanks for reading the ramble.
I was starting to go deep.
Around this time, I nearly died in my bathroom, choking so severely that I was fading to black with my arms and my legs going numb.
It had a catastrophic effect on my marriage, while also inspiring me at the time to take charge of whatever time I had left of this plane of existence.
Seeing her as a mentor as much as just the leader of the group. I was seeking guidance on other arts, learning to do accents with authenticity, not stereotype, and overall seeking a higher level in my craft.
I reached out on the same day I would cross a line in the sand regarding my marriage:
August 8th, 2023:
Did you ever get into acting? Was there a reason you’re not on a stage, carrying on with the classics?
You brought those plays in, and I keep thinking about them.
I think about acting methods, blah blah blah, and in one way, I’m like “oh…they’re just rules for how to approach characters and relationships.” I see where they try to access the truth of a character, or if not the character, the human element.
A movie is really nothing more than picking up a scene, coming into the lives of people, seeing this series of events, arcs complete, and then you’re out of these characters’ lives. It’s nothing more than a scripted version of what we do.
But then they go on. Messy, incomplete – desires, thoughts, wants, goals failed, potential wasted, small victories, all these parts that you don’t see, but inform the person’s existence before we catch up to them, and after we leave the story.
Forever I’d tell passengers in my car: “Every single face on the road you see here has someone who loves them, someone who’s done with them; they have dreams, wants, fears, secrets… every single one. And none of it matters.”
Except that isn’t true. It totally matters. That face over there has depths unknown. Every one of them, even the broken, ‘simple’ ones. The ones you don’t want to be near. The ones you’d cross the street to avoid.
How does that not crush and overwhelm an artist? Is just cherry-picking their existence for the sake of play… salacious? Selfish? Self-indulgent, even?
I’m rambling. I’m far more messed up from the near-death experience than I dare let on, and it has my subconscious tormenting me, and my heart going so many different directions. I think about all the people that attempt acting careers and fail. I don’t think I’m pretty enough to leave any sort of anything, but then I think about some of the greats in my peer group, and I ask “why couldn’t I?
As hard as I think, as much as I’m studying, analyzing, breaking down the ins and outs of human intricacies and trying to codify them?
Why not me?
The empath in me says “I know these feelings; I know how to access them. I know how to represent them,” and the pragmatist in me goes “for fuck sake, man – why? Why would you do that? To what end?”
And I don’t know.
Because I want to explore human messiness with stories? Because I feel too much, all the time, and like an overcharged battery, I want to release that energy into the world?
Or maybe I’m just too old and it’s a ridiculous notion.
I just… don’t know.
Can you tell choking in my bathroom has put me into a full mid-life crisis, and asking myself what I’m going to do to live my life all-out now?
‘Cause it’s its own personal little hell that my therapist is chipping at, but I think even she doesn’t know fully what to say to me.
Not looking for free therapy.
You’re just… uniquely you with a ear and heart that understands, or at least don’t cast aspersions. Haven’t met anyone quite like you before, and you’re appreciated (if not dumped on by the ramblings of someone a bit adrift).
You’re… welcome? =P
Just spitting it out, and seeing what I can sort out by venting it.
It’ll all make sense about ten minutes before I die. I just know it.
And as always, she shows grace:
Why NOT you?
Join the Wichita Theater page on FB and keep your eyes open for audition notices. Go see everything.
Also pay attention to Tallgrass Film notices for casting.
I’ll help you get ready for auditions if you want … You need monologues, resume, etc. Get prepared with video auditions, etc.
I think it would be good for you to explore and follow the itch. Truthfully, most actors don’t expect fame and fortune. They ar simply compelled and must. See if that’s you.
I didn’t pursue this.
I was in the middle of repairing my engine with Carlos and the start of a relationship that would destroy my marriage by the 31st of the same month.
With all the false bravado I could muster, I found myself proclaiming excitement for the coming changes.
By October, it was clear that bravado was on unstable grounds, and she could see it, at one point offering her apartment’s spare room as a place for me to go as my home’s future looked dire.
I can’t remember, through the cacophony and insanity of the divorce process, what was happening, but it was evident I was struggling.
One day, this arrived unprompted in my inbox – Angela and I had done a photoshoot for headshots for the playbills used to promote shows. I had asked to see them, and been rebuffed. I was in such a place that she felt this needed, and it became my Facebook profile picture for a long time, a reminder of better times and better dreams:
I don’t make it a habit to send people their headshots but really, you should have this one. heh.
That’s Jessie Gray.
That’s what her school of Improv built for me.
There’s a whole year undiscussed, because I withdrew into myself and have been sporadic in my attendance as the depression has come and gone with various intensity.
I’ve been lovingly welcomed back after each hiatus.
Improv, in some form or fashion, will always be a part of me.
And I’m going to be eternally grateful to Jessie for giving me the space and encouragement to be my authentic self, whatever that is that day.