Does my image for today make sense? I have to imagine you get it. Corona? Anyone? Anyhow, welcome to my freak-out today:
Woke up.
āWent to work,ā which is to say Iām sitting in my office, staring at my screen, seeing the updated numbers overnight, and just kinda sobbing in my chair. Iāve been sitting here for two hours, just…inconsolable.
If I harden my heart, I could say āpeople die everyday.ā And that would be true. But these lives, these senseless death from inaction that could have been saved.
Before you think Iām all doom-and-gloom, I want to make it clear: there are more recovered today than dead. This is a wonderful turn we all expected, but still… to see the green column higher is something we all are cheering for.
I work in IT. I work from my house, making an amazing salary doing very technical shit, and thereās nothing I can do to help this world except just sit here and do work. I canāt affect positive change. All I can do is what I always do and just…be an economic cog who keeps the machinery running while someone else is waking up today unsure if theyāll make it through the week. I feel blessed with riches I donāt deserve.
My sister-in-law appears to have it. Sheās not actually who Iām worried about. My brother-in-law has immunodeficiency from anti-rejection drugs. Thereās a clock ticking in my head currently. Today will be day four, I believe, since she started showing symptoms. If he starts showing symptoms, I donāt know what Iāll do. I donāt know what weāll do as a family.
Fuck. Iām crying again.
I want to call my doctor and ask for something that might fix this feeling of helplessness, but I donāt want to weigh down the medical field with people like me. I just… I just donāt know.
I canāt be this for my kids, I canāt be this for my wife. I need to pull my shit together, but even as I write this, I donāt know how. So, I just write and cry and hide in my office to collapse a bit. At some point Iāll bring it together and do something related to my job, because I have to to survive, but I donāt know how right now. Every time I go to do something, it just feels so futile and inconsequential in the greater scheme of everything.
Even just writing this out, Iām feeling…better? Iām calming and trying to find my center. Iām trying to gather myself up and ready to attack the day. I donāt have it yet.
My wife has been the most productive sheās been in six months. Sheās repainted half the house. Not kidding. The front dining room, our bedroom, our bathroom, the kidsā bathroom. Sheās been taking the dogs for walks around the big loop, the small loop, and all the way to High Park and back. She doesnāt buckle; she just buckled down.
I envy that. I spent all my credit card points on those controllers, and I canāt bring myself to spend any time with them. I want to re-learn how to write node.js code, but canāt focus. Iāve lost my super power of absorbing books and manuals. All I can do is stare at movies and laughed harder than I should at…well…anything.
One take-away from this is Iāll start watching horror movies going forward. Letting something scare you takes away from the real scary things out here. I watched āItā and the sequel, and I relished every moment. I previously, pompously, stated Iād never watch those movies. I apparently lied.
Iām having a hard time, and I donāt know what to do. Writing this has helped, but, again, Iām using it as a distraction from the real world. Just spinning my chair around, my chest tightens and my soul aches.
Iāll add pictures and details about today to the bottom of this throughout the day. For now, Iām just emotionally spent.
Midland, TX, ya’ll. My heart aches for these people.
A note about Hydroxychloroquine: https://xkcd.com/1217/
I’m so tired. It was good to talk to Carl. It was really good to talk to Kelly on LinkedIn. I’m hoping Andrew calls back. I snapped off at Shawn, and while regret isn’t the word I’d look for, unmitigated frustration with the management absolutely is. My patience is at the end, and that’s bolted to my sadness currently.
There’s a lot of good that’s starting to come out. We’re going to go donate food to the hospital workers, for example.
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