Day 6 of what will be 36 (it appears)

Does my image for today make sense? I have to imagine you get it. Corona? Anyone? Anyhow, welcome to my freak-out today:

Woke up.

“Went to work,” which is to say I’m sitting in my office, staring at my screen, seeing the updated numbers overnight, and just kinda sobbing in my chair. I’ve been sitting here for two hours, just…inconsolable.

If I harden my heart, I could say ‘people die everyday.’ And that would be true. But these lives, these senseless death from inaction that could have been saved.

Before you think I’m all doom-and-gloom, I want to make it clear: there are more recovered today than dead. This is a wonderful turn we all expected, but still… to see the green column higher is something we all are cheering for.

I work in IT. I work from my house, making an amazing salary doing very technical shit, and there’s nothing I can do to help this world except just sit here and do work. I can’t affect positive change. All I can do is what I always do and just…be an economic cog who keeps the machinery running while someone else is waking up today unsure if they’ll make it through the week. I feel blessed with riches I don’t deserve.

My sister-in-law appears to have it. She’s not actually who I’m worried about. My brother-in-law has immunodeficiency from anti-rejection drugs. There’s a clock ticking in my head currently. Today will be day four, I believe, since she started showing symptoms. If he starts showing symptoms, I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t know what we’ll do as a family.

Fuck. I’m crying again.

I want to call my doctor and ask for something that might fix this feeling of helplessness, but I don’t want to weigh down the medical field with people like me. I just… I just don’t know.

I can’t be this for my kids, I can’t be this for my wife. I need to pull my shit together, but even as I write this, I don’t know how. So, I just write and cry and hide in my office to collapse a bit. At some point I’ll bring it together and do something related to my job, because I have to to survive, but I don’t know how right now. Every time I go to do something, it just feels so futile and inconsequential in the greater scheme of everything.

Even just writing this out, I’m feeling…better? I’m calming and trying to find my center. I’m trying to gather myself up and ready to attack the day. I don’t have it yet.

My wife has been the most productive she’s been in six months. She’s repainted half the house. Not kidding. The front dining room, our bedroom, our bathroom, the kids’ bathroom. She’s been taking the dogs for walks around the big loop, the small loop, and all the way to High Park and back. She doesn’t buckle; she just buckled down.

I envy that. I spent all my credit card points on those controllers, and I can’t bring myself to spend any time with them. I want to re-learn how to write node.js code, but can’t focus. I’ve lost my super power of absorbing books and manuals. All I can do is stare at movies and laughed harder than I should at…well…anything.

One take-away from this is I’ll start watching horror movies going forward. Letting something scare you takes away from the real scary things out here. I watched ‘It’ and the sequel, and I relished every moment. I previously, pompously, stated I’d never watch those movies. I apparently lied.

I’m having a hard time, and I don’t know what to do. Writing this has helped, but, again, I’m using it as a distraction from the real world. Just spinning my chair around, my chest tightens and my soul aches.

I’ll add pictures and details about today to the bottom of this throughout the day. For now, I’m just emotionally spent.

Sedgwick County officials confirm the first COVID-19 death in the county. A man under 60 with underlying health conditions died yesterday in a hospital. He tested positive for coronavirus last week. @KMUW
— Deborah Shaar (@deborahshaar) March 30, 2020

Midland, TX, ya’ll. My heart aches for these people.

A note about Hydroxychloroquine: https://xkcd.com/1217/

I have recovered from Covid-19. We are humbled by the outpouring of love for me and John and our precious family. He is stabile. Please continue to send your amazing Love and prayers. Sing his songs. Stay home and wash hands. John loves you. I love you
— Fiona Whelan Prine (@FionaPrine) March 30, 2020

I’m so tired. It was good to talk to Carl. It was really good to talk to Kelly on LinkedIn. I’m hoping Andrew calls back. I snapped off at Shawn, and while regret isn’t the word I’d look for, unmitigated frustration with the management absolutely is. My patience is at the end, and that’s bolted to my sadness currently.