The Live-Tweeting, Spoilerish, NSFLish Review of ‘X-Men: Apocalypse’

‘X-Men: Apocalypse’ is ‘Meh,’ but Some Parts Greater Than the Whole.
[yasr_overall_rating] • 3/5 Stars
Working at the premiere Drive In in the largest city in Kansas, I’m afforded the opportunity to come over on my days off and watch the blockbuster films of the Spring, Summer, and Fall. With employee screenings, we get to the see the blockbuster films a day or two before the general public, affording me the opportunity to develop and write an opinion of the film before the general public gets to see them.
Instead of reinventing the wheel and adding to the din of reviews, professional or otherwise, I felt I might try something new with this post/review. I’m trying to integrate more social media into my posts, so this time? ALL THE TWITTER.
If you’re looking for a good review to actually read on this movie, here (The Nerdist), here (Collider), & here (Yahoo!) should leave you with an understanding of the mess they’ve made.
This is the live-tweet of ‘X-Men: Apocalypse,’ as done from the front seat of my truck with a Dr. Pepper, an open mind, and a large nachos. There is language. There is innuendo. There are spoilers (if you do some inference; I tried hard not to, but in some cases it was impossible). Also, this post is ridiculously long. Next time, I’ll just write the review with select tweets interspersed. Lesson learned.
Apocalypse's powers are "powers beyond imagination," just like the comics. #xmena
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Anyone know The Four Horsemen at the beginning of the film? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
The Blob with a cameo against Angel. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Angel's wing movement is terrible. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Kodi Mcfee-Schmidt is comparable to Alan Cummings' Nightcrawler of X2, but far more nimble. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Does Brian Singer only do Nazi-inspired films? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Is the child that is the daughter of <spoiler> a named mutant in the Marvel universe? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
That would be the 435th time we've seen <spoiler>'s tattoos. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
The movie reminds us we had shitty Mustang 5.0s in the 80's. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
She really is terrible as Jean. Bring back a de-aged Famke Jansen. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
I need a golf cart as cool as Professor X's wheelchair. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Havok totally under-used, but a requisite plot-advancing character. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Why do secret society members get neck tattoos? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Why would an all-powerful, God-like mutant build a tower so easily felled by a single stone? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Rose Byrne is in ALL the films of Summer 2016. Heard she was an alpaca in #TheLobster #XMenApocalypse #Neighbors2
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Apocalypse? More like Apocacheeks. AMIRITE, GUYZ? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Apocalypse totally has a case of #blueballs. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Well that was stupid, Henricks. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Serious, Sansa. The fake fear acting is… painful. I don't believe it for a moment. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
The Professor X I know would say "Lay back" with totally different intentions. #creeper #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Egypt. Cradle of Life. Too much of a stretch? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Moira McTaggert be McTaggerting. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
The most emotionally-satisfying scenes belong to Fassbender. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Nina. Apocalypse-dammit. Get it? 'Cause he's a God? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
The gig is up, Magneto. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Totally pronouncing it 'Mag-net-TOE' from hence forth. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Of course a bow and arrow is a lynchpin in a Jennifer Lawrence flick. A recurve now doesn't have that kind of power… #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
A locket in the hands of Magnetoe is a powerful device of destruction. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Storm is the perfect comic book Storm of the late 80's-90's. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Blue Balls has ultimate power, but doesn't seem to really use it effectively. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Prof X is enamored. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
What, exactly, is "Level 5 clearance?" #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Do you know why the mutants were blue in the Silver/Bronze Age? Had to do with printing costs. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Mystique, Noghtcrawler, Apocalypse, the dead mutant from #DOFP. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Still don't get how Scott Summers' glasses ever worked. Stop trying to explain it and use that time to clear up plot holes. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Wonder what it's like acting against your ex? #beast #mystique #sexmen #xmenapocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
That SR-71 should be leaking fuel everywhere. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Fassbender gets the only F-bomb in the PG-13 film. Laughs in the theater abound. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
So Apocalypse can find Mag Net Toe, but he can't find a school full of mutants? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
The 437th time we've been shown Mags ripping down a fence in the X-movies. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
So Mags can now move dirt like iron? How does he have the power to "move the very Earth itself?" #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Anyone catch the 'Knight Rider' theme in the first Quicksilver scene? Also, WHERE THE F**K IS WANDA? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
The powers of the psychics in Fox's #xmen universe are anomalous at best. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
So…Eric didn't get his helmet when he got the rest of his armor? He didn't explain the necessity? #cerebro #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Let's be honest: Arch Angel's wings are pretty bad-ass. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
So Prof X and Apocalypse couldn't sense each other until Eric? WUT? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
So he needs #cerebro to <spoiler>, but later he can just broadcast to ever human and mutant on the planet? WUT? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Stan Lee made $700,000 for 2.72453345 seconds in #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
"Wreak Havok." <rimshot> #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
So, they just show up like nothing? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Quicksilver with the 'Rush' shirt. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Wonder what was on that chalkboard? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Great Quicksilver scene. Not earned. Deus Ex Machina, anyone? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
If J-Law is running around saving mutants, why didn't she save #wolverine after #DOFP ?#XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Is that a #BrownNote gun? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Alberta, here we come. Stryker-ville. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
"It's one of the many gifts I've acquired across the millenia." #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
"It's one of the many gifts I've acquired across the millenia." #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Apocalypse = Cerebro Lite. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Quicksilver with the poke joke. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Apocalypse totally Max Headroom'in everybody. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
So, there was another megalomaniac with an obsession about racial/genetic superiority… #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Jean maybe shouldn't release the weapon without knowing its capability? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Run, you Josh Hartnett-knockoff. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Boobies soothe even the savage beast. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Spock ain't got nothin' on this mind-meld. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Not enough blood for the carnage. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
The rare not-NYC destruction of a city in cinema. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Spoiler alert: someone find a big rock and you should be able to bring down the pyramid…again. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Mag-net-toe with the human/mutant art piece. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
One well-placed rifle shot ends 99% of the X-Men… Or, you know, not even well-placed. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
So, why not dust everything and everyone instead of having him rip it all apart? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Am I the only one who thinks Apocalypse should be more Poe Dameron-like? Maybe that's my 90's cartoon experience talking? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Less you, more blue, dudes. #embracethecheapprintcolorsyo #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
More torrential downpour, Storm. More world-wide weather phenomenon. #mediocre #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
When did Mystique get filled in on Act-1 Erik? man the f**k up Quicksilver. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
In Act 1, Apocalypse needed another mutant transition, and now he can solo the mind-dungeon? Chekov's Gun, anyone? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Half expected him to scream "MEDIOCRE!" #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
"Useless." MEDIOCRE! Yahtzee! #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Quicksilver once more, e'erbody. How did he not know that wasn't her? He felt Prof X… WUT? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
"Thank you for letting me." Uhhhh, nope. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
If you die in The Matrix… #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
X marks the spot, bitch. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Wait. Fire forcefield? WUT? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
"Feel that strength, Charles." Clench, it'll be over faster. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
That was stupid, Beast. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Homoerotic mind-games. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
So, Jean already has it in her? When? How? What? What sense does that make to the layman? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Magneto gets the coolest shots here. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Also, where's Apocalypse's giant 'A' on his belt?! Why isn't he 7-8ft tall? This villain is a fraud. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Charles earns his bald spot. Poorly. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
"I felt it pertinent at this time to inform you that ten years ago I manipulated all your memories because angst." #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
So if DOFP made people nervous, Apocalypse should result in Trask having unlimited anti-mutant funds <insert infinity sign> #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
"Let's steal a line from Patrick Stewart in X2 and make it clever…er." #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
So Mr. Toe is off the hook now free and clear? #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
The mutant paramilitary group, The X-Men, form to prevent the destruction of mutants per the latest global catastrophe. #XMenApocalypse
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
Someone tell me I'm being hyper-critical of #XMenApocalypse. It's rare a movie gets worse for me on second viewing, but… It was not good.
— Greg Thomas-Baldwin (@grioghar) May 30, 2016
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