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Open Mic Night

Open Mic Night

My kid loves to cook, but this pandemic made it clear every choice has a consequence. Man, I loved a good heavy garlic sauce before I was regularly required to breath my own breath… let’s just say there’s a reason garlic isn’t an Essential Oil.

I wrote that joke, then looked it up, because what the fuck do I know about Essential Oils. Turns out, it IS packaged as an essential oil. It comes with warning labels like “extremely caustic,” and “not for the faint-hearted.”

I realized later in the joke-writing process, my mother used to give us garlic pills as kids, and I never connected until that moment why the only friends I had growing up were nose-blind.

Did anybody else brush their teeth more during the pandemic? Huffing your own product really makes you reevaluate what you eat and when in a day.

The science says wearing a mask protects doesn’t protect you, but stops your breath from getting to the other person. So, using that logic… Anyone else cheat during morning sex and just throw on a mask instead of brushing? I tried it. Once.

I had to eat my wife’s pussy for thirty minutes just to get the smell out of my nose.

I’ll never joke about my wife putting her fingers in my asshole in front of a home crowd. Some of you don’t realize this is an act and will make it weird next time I see you at the grocery store.

Is it just me, or is mask-wearing getting really old? You know, like a-lot of the people coronavirus killed?

I mean, I couldn’t say ‘getting really fat,’ that’s not PC.

How are masks like your Mom?

Everyone get offended when I have them on my face in public.

How are masks also like your Mom? The smell every time I have them over my nose.

How are masks not like your Mom? Your Mom doesn’t fog my glasses when she’s on my face.

How are masks also not like your Mom? I couldn’t have saved 600,000 people with your Mom on my face.

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