(This was originally posted in May 27th, 2007 at grioghar.blogger.com Moving the text here to capture all my reviews in one place.)
This is why I have to write the stuff down while I’m still angry.
Let’s start. Opening. Allusion to Bush’s Patriot Act. “There will temporarily be a loss of rights, such as right to a lawyer.” Welcome to heavy-handed. Anyone caught cavorting with a pirate, talking to a pirate, talking LIKE a pirate, or otherwise wearing an eye-patch with a wooden leg for Halloween will be murdered with a cold blood thirst people are being murdered like in the streets of Baghdad. Pirate is metaphor for terrorist, and the British Gub’ment is a metaphor for G-Dub. Gay? Check.
“They’re singing… Good.”
Blah blah, I’m Chow Yun Fat, and these writers and directors want me to over-act. Sweet. And where’s my fucking steam? Better question: who cares? The chick was shot in the head. It was as if she was going to get some sort of vengeance, instead you got fake hate. So angry!
Barbosa was foilrific in these scenes. Comedy AND explanation.
Let’s see if we can confuse the hell out of all the players here. I plan to write this as disjointedly as the movie through around plot twists, betrayals, agonizingly trying to be clever and confusing all at the same time, without a whole lot of success in doing any of the aforementioned in a reasonable execution.
The title was “At World’s End”, when, in all actuality, only the first of three acts spent any time there, and that was negliable. I kept hearing Ed Norton from Fight Club when I was watching Jack’s nose. “I am Jack’s Smelling Nose.” That scene insensed me. Gore, Bruckheimer, and God knows who else said “Hey, what can we do to oversaturate the crowd with as much Jack Sparrow as possible? Hey, let’s have 2 MILLION Jacks, like they did with that Agent Smith guy, and make them do all kinds of crazy shit in a hallucination? Call those guys that did those Matrix movies and see if we can borrow that old software!”
Barbosa made no sense going all maniacal as they were about to fall of the edge. And what did the crew expect? They were just going to float up to Davy Jones’ Locker (which, in lore, is not some sandy joint, but THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN) and the natives would run out to greet them? “You’ve doomed us all!” a shipmate screams out at Barbosa, to which I couldn’t help think, “And you expected any less at the ‘World’s End?’” I thought. And like THAT boat was sea-worthy. I wouldn’t put that out on our lake in a high wind, let alone, THE SEA.
WHY did Swan’s dad die? Because they didn’t want to keep up with him through the plot, so they threw him over. And then “She canno leave da boot,” and yet Jack can flip the boat, guys can fall off, and that’s OK.
WHY was Davy Jones’ heart blowing up such a big deal. If the heart died, Davy Jones…what? Died? Wait, that’s not right, because you have to stab the heart to kill him. Oh, wait, but The Flying Dutchman MUST have a Captain. So… If Davy Jones died by a canon shot at the chest… Then who captains The Dutchman? Plot hole as big as the hole in Davy’s chest where his heart used to be.
I grow weary just thinking about this, and I’m not even halfway done.
If Davy Jones can move through time, space, and water like he did to visit Calypso, couldn’t he set up a plot to steal his chest back? Waiiiiit, that wouldn’t make sense.
Orlando Bloom, please stop talking. And “Well, I guess it always belonged to you. Keep it safe?” The melodrama had me rolling my eyes. By that point, the movie had lost me, so maybe the line was delivered with some acting talent, but I was too see-sick to notice. Yes, I spelled it that way intentionally.
Why didn’t Calypso destroy the Black Pearl, The Flying Dutchman, all the Pirate Lords (Who were RIDICULOUS), and the whole British armada? “They shall feel my fury” was melodrama when Calypso, you know, tried to sink, you know TWO ships in the whole sea of hundreds.
When the Black Pearl and The Flying Dutchman destroy the Flagship of the British Navy, and the rest scatter, I rolled my eyes and wanted the pain to end. It wouldn’t for another 25 minutes.
Thank God this series is over. From Disneyland ride to pop culture in 5 years, one can only hope they don’t go all George Lucas on us and decide to make the first three prequels. Jack Sparrow as a little boy, rescued from Rum Island, growing into his pirate abilities, influenced by an older, more clever deckhand named Barbosa. Come to think of it, THAT might have more potential.
Grioghar "Greg" Thomas-Baldwin likes to (formally) Powerlift, read comics, watch movies, jam to Bastard Pop, and hang out with his wife and kids when he's not working at The Starlite Drive-In making customers move their cars and high-fiving the kiddos. Then, he likes to write about all that, tech schtuff, and more, here, and elsewhere, under a few pseudonyms.